Step 2:

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Power greater than ourselves can be nature, the harmony of universe, home group, power of meetings.  We may have learned that our Higher Power was punishing, mean, unforgiving, unavailable or we that we were unworthy of love and guidanc.  We need to believe to trust our Higher Power cares for us, has our best interests at heart, and can offer us the guidance we seek. Came to believe reminds us this is a process and this our Higher Power can restore us to sanity.

• Do I need to believe in any power other than my own?
• Yes because I need to relinquish the control I try to have over my life, when I let go, I became more at peace with myself, willing to let go of my attempts of control over others, others became less belligerent
• What, if anything, prevents me from believing in a power greater than myself?
• I am not convinced there is any organized power
• How can I find my Higher Power?
•  I have been struggling with that, I do have peace when I just let it be and focus on the now
• What attributes does my Higher Power have?  How do they support me?
• Acceptance, encourage me, supportive of me, unconditional acceptance, pride in my accomplishments, forgiving
• What does "came to believe" mean to me?
• I am sure I have come to believe but I am getting there
• What does a "power greater than ourselves" mean to me?
• There is something outthere that has more power than me and I do much better when I stop trying to make things happen 
• What does "restore us to sanity" mean to me?
• I am sure I was ever sane but having me dealing with reality and not what I believe I have power over to change
• For today, what does sanity mean to me?
• Less energy expended trying to make things work
• Happiness at what is and not looking for more
• Peace with myself 
• What was my image of a Higher Power before I came to CoDA?
• No image of a higher power
• How did my grandiosity and obsessive controlling manifest themselves in my life?
• I was constantly frustrated with trying to keep everything going in the same direction and nothing was working out the way I wanted it to.
• As a result of working Step Two, what new behaviors am I practicing?  In what ways am I still suffering?  I am trying to believe in a higher power, what I have been able to do is to release what I thought I had power over and let things do as they may.  I have been pleasantly surprised that often, it turns out in a way that is a positive for me.  I am not suffering very much.  I suffer over the pain  my  past has caused me and I am learning to let that go.  I continue to try to explore for a higher power that  feels right for me.  

Step 1

CoDA Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over others—that our lives had become unmanageable 

•  Am I controlling? How?       
• I can be by using avoidance when I do not want to do something.  I wish I had more courage to say no, I wish to avoid confrontations.  Confrontation means anger, being yelled at, told I am wrong, ridiculed and possibly being physically attacked.  In the past, I have required my family to do what I wanted without question.  That way I avoided being wrong, any confrontation,  I felt I had the right answer.  If I was wrong, I was weak, stupid, inadequate, no good at what I was doing.  It made me feel good that I had control, I could avoid all of those negative feelings and possibly physical pain.  I don’t do that anymore because I realize that trying to be in control of others does not work.  They always find a way around it or make it uncomfortable when they are doing as I ask.  They become uncooperative and it takes a lot of work.  I do not control as much as I am too tired to control and I am not as threatened by not being the only one who has the answer.  If I don’t have all the answers, it does not have the effect of diminishing myself in my eyes.  I am more confident in who I am and what I do.  I actually know that I am good at my do so I am willing to not be in control.  It does not threaten me as often if someone is actually the same or better that I am.  I find that in the end when everyone woks off of each other more is gained, accomplished and everyone feels more positive. 
• What is the difference between being powerless and being empowered? 
•  Powerlessness is having no control over anything including oneself, environment, community.  It is victim mentality:  it all happens to me and there is nothing I can do to change it vs. I don't like this and  what can I do to change it.  
• When I let go of others how am I then empowered?  
•  I do not have to spend all of my time and energy trying to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, this causes me to focus all of my energy on them and not me.  When I don't do that I am enpowered to work on myself and work on what I have control of, not what I think I have control of.  That way I am becoming the person that I want to be and this makes me proud.   How does this make my life manageable?  When I am not spending all of my energy on others, I have energy to focus on myself and becoming someone I enjoy being, this takes a lot of anxiety out of my life because I no longer worry about what I have no control over.  Earlier in my life I tried to manage my husband and never did anything go the way I wanted to go, it was frustrating, it took a lot of my energy, I was always angry and unhappy.  I no longer spend my time managing him and I am a much happier person, I have had the time to devote to doing and being the person I want to be.  Gratitude is a big part of my life, I can even watch a beautiful sunset and be thankful I am enjoying it and that I am here to enjoy it.  Peace and gratitude are very high on my spiritual scale
• How do I let go of the fear of what others think? 
•  As a younger person, this dominated my what I did or did not do.  Currently, I care what I think, not others.  I think that because of age and the work I have done I am able to look beyond what others think and be more concerned with what I think
•  How do I take care of myself? 
•  I am doing a great job of taking care of myself.  I have made the decision to have surgery for those parts of my body that needed surgical intervention,  I am eating well, I am working out and have hired a trainer to help me to get back into shape.  How does my acceptance of being "powerless over other" assist me in this task?
• Which codependent charateristics (character defects) keep me from taking Step One?
•  I have spent a lot of time working on the realization that I do not have control over others.  I did control my children when they were young, as they grew older, I loosened my control.  The most frustrating experience I have had is with my ex husband, I always expected him to do as I asked as his behavior was not always logical and he really was not interested in what I thought was the best way go about something.  He would always agree with me and then do what he wanted.  I often thought he really wanted to understand what I wanted "us" to do, I always thought he would get it and he never did.  When I was frustrated and angry, he wouldn't discuss with me so that I would get terribly frustrated and I would start yelling. 
• Why does this Step say "admitted we were powerless" instead of admitted I was powerless? 
•  CoDA is a group and we as a group are supportive of each other and we do not have to do this alone
• What do powerlessness and unmanageability mean to me today?
• Powerlessness is when I feel helpless about my issues in my life, manageability is when I have no power over myself and cannot sort out feelings and deal with them.  
• What signs do I see that indicate I am in denial?
• When I continue to feel it is someone else's fault when my life is out of control
• What does surrender mean? 
• Why do I need to surrender? 
• to stop trying to control the situation, let the situation work itself out on its own accord
• Over what do I need to surrender?
• I am not sure at this point what I need to surrender over, as I am controlling any situations
• When do I know I've done enough?
• When I feel peaceful and do not feel as if I have to do something
• What are the signs of unmanageability? (Make a list)
• anxiety
• trying to control
• interrupting
• Why do I want to control?
• I really do not want control, I did because I felt that it would keep me from having pain, frustration with my relationships.  I have had trouble taking responsibility for some of my behaviors.  
• Am I willing to realize that trying to change anyone brings on unmanageability, hostility, resentment?
• Very much so, since I have let people take responsibility for themselves a lot of the hostility and resentment we have felt towards each other has left
• Am I powerless over my codependent behavior?
• No, I am learning to put boundaries up and this helped with my expectations of what I can expect from people, I have less resentment because I no longer feel as if someone owes me anything.   
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        CoDA Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over others—that our lives had become unmanageable
  o   Am I controlling? How?      
  o   When I let go of others how am I then empowered?
  o    What is the difference between being powerless and being empowered?
  o   When I let go of others how am I then empowered? 
  o   How do I let go of the fear of what others think of me?
  o    How do I take care of myself?
  o   Which codependent characteristics (character defects) keep me from taking Step One?
  o   Why does this Step say "admitted we were powerless" instead of admitted I was powerless?
  o   What do powerlessness and unmanageability mean to me today?
  o   What signs do I see that indicate I am in denial?
  o   What does surrender mean?
  o    Why do I need to surrender?
  o    Over what do I need to surrender?
  o   When do I know I've done enough?
  o   What are the signs of unmanageability? (Make a list)
  o   Why do I want to control?
  o   Am I willing to realize that trying to change anyone brings on unmanageability, hostility, resentment?
  o   Am I powerless over my codependent behavior?

Sharing

I see myself every time someone shares, I have been silent which has helped me see where I have come from and where I need to go.  My name is Barbara/Barb, which actually means stranger, I have felt a stranger my entire life.
My father and 2 brothers were alcoholics, my mother incapable of showing affection towards me.  I am a victim of incest, emotional, physical abuse and violence.  I have been abandoned by my mother, I was rejected by my peers.  I recently realized I am a lost child which I did not know existed until I came to CoDA. 
I spent 33 years in a dysfx marriage, I have had a lot of therapy and have read tons of self help books.
I am a survivor and I am finally thriving.  Perhaps the gift of gratitude come with age.
I tried to change my family patterns but they still continue in me, my oldest daughter, my son-in-law and her 2 children.  But my youngest daughter and son-in-law are stopping it by facing their codependency and now I am doing it. 

4/23/12

I was planning to share but decided not too because it was causing too much anxiety for me and I realized I did not have to do it if I did not want to.  How many times have I have forced myself because it was the “right thing to do”, I just wanted to wait to share when I wanted to do it.

Why am I having so much trouble sharing, is it I am afraid of what issues I will bring up for myself or is it that I am afraid someone will express sympathy towards me.  Why can’t I accept sympathy or a compliment?  What is it that makes me so uncomfortable because I feel I am worth a compliment or sympathy?  I certainly deserve both.  I have worked hard to be where I am. To be able to feel gratitude, pride, happiness is huge for me.